No Friends and Socially Awkward

March 1, 2017

 

It’s easier to write a blog post about having difficulty making friends than actually making friends so I’m going to take full advantage of that.

I won’t get into it too much but I used to struggle with social anxiety, but for the most part, I’m recovered, for lack of a better term. Or at least, my social anxiety isn’t as intense. I’m still an introvert but if I ever had to talk to somebody that I’m not used to, I don’t cry anymore. It took lots of hard work to put myself in those uncomfortable situations but here I am.

Now, the thing that I haven’t solved yet is social awkwardness. I’m sure I looked at my social anxiety the same way, but I’m not sure if I could ever overcome this. As a socially awkward person, I could recite all of the ways you’re supposed to make friends. I’ve looked up countless articles on how to do so yet still remain friendless and socially awkward. But I can’t blame the tips on not working; I know that I have to put myself out there and make the effort to make friends. And I do put myself out there much more than usual, which is something that I’m proud of. However, when I get there is the problem: I don’t know what to say.

I wonder if my social awkwardness would go away if I just knew what to say. Is social awkwardness just not knowing what to say? If you know what to say and when to say it, I can’t imagine anything being socially awkward about it. In a group, my silence could be hidden, but it’s painful when it’s one-on-one. And quite saddening. But am I wrong to be sad, comparing myself to those who conversation comes naturally? Once I think about it, my social anxiety has kept me back from progressing socially in so many ways. Is this natural? And whenever my mood is down, I’m prone to shutting everybody and everything off so that has definitely played a role in it.

It’s hard for me to form words and thoughts. I guess this could be attributed to me not challenging myself. However, I’m getting better every day at expressing myself. When I know what I want to say, I’m not quite so sure how to say it. I take more time thinking about what to say than actually saying it. Maybe I just need to let it out? But I like developing my thoughts before saying what I’m thinking. Maybe if I thought less, things could be much smoother? And I feel like no matter what I say, it’s not quite exactly what I wanted to say. In fact, everything I wrote here isn’t what I really wanted to say.

What I really wanted to say was it’s disheartening seeing people having fun with their friends and joking around and knowing that you can’t be the same way. What I really wanted to say was I think that the people who consider me their friends are just using me for the stuff that I have, which isn’t even much. What I really wanted to say was I wish people wouldn’t knock on my door to ask for something of mine, but to just talk to me. What I really wanted to say was I wanted to have somebody to sit with at lunch who I wouldn’t have awkward silences with and if it did get quiet, we enjoyed it. Maybe I just need to be patient and wait for the right friend? Maybe it’s unattainable? Too cliché? I’m not sure…

Let me know if you guys feel the same way. Thank you for reading.

Creative Content, Fame, and Kris Wu

The key to a successful blog or social media account is to constantly post creative content. Creative content is desired but something, anything, should be sufficient. If I could post frequently, that would produce the most results.

Something that I struggle with is doing anything constantly. It’s hard for me to sit down and focus on one thing and to do it constantly. My actions are just as free as my thoughts. I’m also a bad texter; I’m always late with replies or I simply never respond. I’m not particularly busy or anything but I just somehow don’t usually get to them. And sometimes I reply very fast or slow enough to the point where I should have just not even opened the message. And I do not pick favorites for replies; I’m late for everybody. It’s something that I need to work on and something that has affected me in a negative way. I value most things people say to me but I need to do a better job showing that even by opening their message faster.

Isn’t it everybody’s dream to be famous for something? Or at least well-known? Even the smaller scale things like somebody knowing that you’d be good for this one task or thinking of you when they saw something is heart-warming. When people SnapChat me pictures of Hello Kitty, knowing my love for her, I’m honored. And whenever people see KPOP or EXO or SHINee or Kris Wu (Wu Yifan), they think of me. And I think it’d be great to be the face of a cause.

I used to be a sort-of popular Kris Wu stan on Tumblr. I wrote funny posts about him, most of them roasts. And I was constantly on Tumblr, making a lot of posts and reblogging a lot. Now that I think of it, I dedicated most if not all of my freetime to that. Getting over a thousand followers is hard work. And I was probably at some of my lower points while blogging. Being on Tumblr, however, gave me the little spark of joy I needed to get through. Or maybe it was more harmful; I’m not sure. Either way, I had a little taste of fame and although exhausting, it was exhilarating and fun. People wanted to know who you were and wanted to interact with you. And one of the best parts was people appreciating your content. Even when a post didn’t get a lot of notes or reactions, people still wanted to tell me how funny they thought I was. It really brought me up in my darkest of times. Actually, I don’t think it was harmful at all. If I didn’t have my Tumblr, I’m not so sure what I might have had.

I wish that I still had the passion to update my Tumblr regularly but I’m not as into it anymore. And I saw this post that said something like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube fame means something but Tumblr fame means nothing. And that is pretty much true. If your Facebook posts go viral, you could be contacted by companies. With Instagram, you could get sponsorships and Instagram may pay you themselves. YouTube is self-explanatory; there are many different opportunities. But Tumblr? I can’t think of anything. Maybe there’s sponsorships but I’m not sure.

I kind of want to start a YouTube channel. I think that I could be a great YouTuber. And in fact, many people have told me that I’d be a great YouTuber. I regret not trying Vine out. You never know what could happen. My phone’s camera is bad and I don’t have an actual camera and no editing program (and a Windows device); are these just excuses? They might be. I need to figure out a way to work past this. It’d be great to buy an expensive camera and editing program and be like, “I’ll make up for it with the money that I make from YouTube” but is that realistic? I guess I need to start with the materials that I have now but the first thing that I need to do is get a job.

I think I’ll end the blog here, thank you for reading!

Today’s Summary

I woke up today much earlier than my alarm; I set my alarm for 8:10, but woke up around 7:10. I’ve been waking up much earlier than my alarm lately but I take it as a good sign. Maybe if I wake up later, it’d be harder to get the good shower. Nobody’s up at 7 in the morning so I always have the good shower to myself. It’s the “good” shower because the water pressure is better and it’s generally cleaner than the other one.

After I took my shower and got ready, I went to breakfast and today, the breakfast was great. I had well-done scrambled eggs (when they’re not cooked, they’re rubbery and smell and taste nasty), French toast, and home fries. It was a great way to start off my morning. I even stayed later than usual and when the teachers left, I casually scrolled through my phone while eating, just enjoying the moment. It was a very relaxing breakfast.

My first class was Music Theory. We started class doing an interview with our peers on our teachers. We voiced our opinions and brainstormed a few ideas. I wish we had knew in advance, however, because it’s hard for me to recall things on the spot. And in Music Theory, we’re going to be composing our own songs! I’m so excited and I need to be patient with myself but also put in work. I wanted to go to open hours today, but I completely forgot. I looked at my phone and it was 7:22, but open hours started at 7:30, so I told myself that I’d wait 8 minutes then head down. However, around 8:24, I remembered open hours and it closes at 8:30. At least I made the plan in my head, I guess. I also have a little melody (I think that’s the term) going on!

I then enjoyed my free-block. I spent most of it dilly-dallying on Facebook or whatnot then towards the end, I started my WordPress blog! I’ve been wanting to start a blog for the past couple of weeks so I decided to not hold back and to just do it. Me writing this entry is taking a step towards blogging becoming a regular thing.

Lunch was amazing! I had Thai vegan potstickers and with the sauce, they were out of this world. There was the pork option but I don’t eat pork for religious reasons. I wish that I ate more of the potstickers. I guess it was good that I ate until I was satisfied, though. I have a problem with overeating; I love food too much.

Then, we had graphic design class. I went to class a little bit early because one kid kept on sitting in my unofficial assigned seat. And I also believe that I fell asleep for a little bit inside of that class, but it’s okay. I don’t know how, but I got through it. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I kind of fell asleep.

And then we had a Culture Share today and I did a presentation on natural hair. I had to rush through it because there were many other presentations, but I hope everybody took at least one thing out of it. Although my presentation was rushed (as was everybody else’s), maybe I could have had notecards or something just in case I wanted to focus on something in particular. Anyway, I hope everybody has a newfound appreciation for black hair!

For dorm meeting, we discussed dorm-wear and it may be a sports-bra at this point. Something new.

I’m typing away as the clock reads 11:18. Time to upload this and go to bed. Thank you for reading!

Welcome to Maya’s Blog!

Hello! My name is Maya and I am 18 years old and I need a change. I haven’t considered making a blog again until recently so here I am, and hopefully to stay.

One of the main reasons why I want to start a blog is to improve my writing skills. I haven’t been practicing lately and my current classes don’t call for extensive writing. To become a better writer, the first thing you need to do is write and write. However, a blog isn’t quite a journal entry so I’ll have to clean up and refine my thoughts a bit more, unless I simple don’t want to. Actually, this could be my own journal! It could be as jumbled as I want, to be honest.

I could also end up really liking blogging. It could be my career; who knows? I need to do a better job of opening myself up to new opportunities. And even if it doesn’t work out, at least I could say that I tried, and that’s all that matters. Most of the time I don’t even make it to the first step (trying), so maybe this will help me go in the right direction.

I’m not exactly sure what to talk about. I have very few interests, which I would like to change. As of right now, I guess my interests are poetry, KPOP, scrolling through Facebook, pizza, ramen and learning the Korean Language. Also! I forgot to mention but I’d like to use this blog to possibly improve my memory or at least document what I’m going through.

I have been alive for 18 years but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything noteworthy. Hopefully blogging will bring me down the right path or try to remember things that I’ve done that are actually quite extraordinary.

Thank you for reading!