March 1, 2017
It’s easier to write a blog post about having difficulty making friends than actually making friends so I’m going to take full advantage of that.
I won’t get into it too much but I used to struggle with social anxiety, but for the most part, I’m recovered, for lack of a better term. Or at least, my social anxiety isn’t as intense. I’m still an introvert but if I ever had to talk to somebody that I’m not used to, I don’t cry anymore. It took lots of hard work to put myself in those uncomfortable situations but here I am.
Now, the thing that I haven’t solved yet is social awkwardness. I’m sure I looked at my social anxiety the same way, but I’m not sure if I could ever overcome this. As a socially awkward person, I could recite all of the ways you’re supposed to make friends. I’ve looked up countless articles on how to do so yet still remain friendless and socially awkward. But I can’t blame the tips on not working; I know that I have to put myself out there and make the effort to make friends. And I do put myself out there much more than usual, which is something that I’m proud of. However, when I get there is the problem: I don’t know what to say.
I wonder if my social awkwardness would go away if I just knew what to say. Is social awkwardness just not knowing what to say? If you know what to say and when to say it, I can’t imagine anything being socially awkward about it. In a group, my silence could be hidden, but it’s painful when it’s one-on-one. And quite saddening. But am I wrong to be sad, comparing myself to those who conversation comes naturally? Once I think about it, my social anxiety has kept me back from progressing socially in so many ways. Is this natural? And whenever my mood is down, I’m prone to shutting everybody and everything off so that has definitely played a role in it.
It’s hard for me to form words and thoughts. I guess this could be attributed to me not challenging myself. However, I’m getting better every day at expressing myself. When I know what I want to say, I’m not quite so sure how to say it. I take more time thinking about what to say than actually saying it. Maybe I just need to let it out? But I like developing my thoughts before saying what I’m thinking. Maybe if I thought less, things could be much smoother? And I feel like no matter what I say, it’s not quite exactly what I wanted to say. In fact, everything I wrote here isn’t what I really wanted to say.
What I really wanted to say was it’s disheartening seeing people having fun with their friends and joking around and knowing that you can’t be the same way. What I really wanted to say was I think that the people who consider me their friends are just using me for the stuff that I have, which isn’t even much. What I really wanted to say was I wish people wouldn’t knock on my door to ask for something of mine, but to just talk to me. What I really wanted to say was I wanted to have somebody to sit with at lunch who I wouldn’t have awkward silences with and if it did get quiet, we enjoyed it. Maybe I just need to be patient and wait for the right friend? Maybe it’s unattainable? Too cliché? I’m not sure…
Let me know if you guys feel the same way. Thank you for reading.