Volunteering ft. Lil Anxiety Rant

Today, I volunteered at my old school! I’m required by some program that I’m in to volunteer for at least 30 hours and they’re due by April 1st, so I decided to just get them over with today. Hopefully I have enough hours.

In the summer, the program had connections with another program so we had summer jobs. And I believe that I was there for about two weeks. And we were there for three or four hours, four days a week. And wow, doesn’t that sound great? With minimum wage, it should have been—hold on, let me try to work this out, lol. So minimum wage is $7.25. And let’s say that I was there for four hours, four days a week. So, $7.25 times 4 (for the hours) is $29. And times another 4 (for the days) is $116. Wait, seriously? Oh my goodness, that’s not a livable wage. But anyway, so I thought that I would have around $116 in my pocket. However, my program counted those as volunteer hours. Yes, I was pretty pissed off but thank goodness that I got most of my volunteer hours done.

So, I should have received around 32 volunteer hours? But I think I wasn’t there one day so maybe 28 hours. And I needed 30. And I usually volunteer at my old school, and their school day is pretty long so it’s draining, but I get my hours done. I was stressing myself out over if I actually calculated the hours that I needed correctly but I remember saying that all I needed was half of a school day to complete my volunteer hours so I’m slightly more relaxed about it.

And yes, it was my old school, but I wasn’t exactly happy about going back. I just overthink and think the worst of a scenario. So I told myself that it’ll be fine and that maybe I’ll learn something new and take something out of this experience. And I did! I didn’t hate it, so that’s a plus.

I mainly organized libraries, delivered some laptops, and helped a couple of students with their stories. And perhaps the most perplexing task was me trying to explain to a student that you can’t die from dyslexia. That was… a conversation I never expected to have but hmmm moving on.

And it was either too hot or too cold. Not a fan. And I was so hungry that I felt woozy and kind of sick. So my dad let me get picked up at 2, which was great because the school day ended at 4. I don’t think I would have lasted those two hours. And yes, I packed a lunch, but I maybe would have felt awkward eating it so I just pushed through.

I also discovered that I really like helping people with their writing. I was just so happy but next time I wish that I had more time to help them, lol, and that I could express my thoughts better. And maybe I should have spent more time helping students who were actually serious but you know. That’s just the way the time was set up.

I’m actually so glad that I went and I’m proud of myself for trying to be positive about it. I really controlled my own destiny earlier today. I could have loathed coming and shut down, or I could have come into the situation with open arms, like I did today.

Also, there’s one thing that actually made me mad, lol. So, we arrived at like 7:40, but the school started over 20 minutes ago but there was a LOT of kids outside and ummmm, I was freaking out, lol. I looked at the situation in horror and I was like, “Ohhhh nahhhh.” But, I had no choice because after dropping me off, my mom was going straight to work. Even so, I asked her to stay for just a minute longer—I wasn’t mentally prepared for these kids to be outside. I had to walk through them and I was freaking out. And, lol, do you know those clickbait articles? “Man steals lady’s purse, what she does next is unbelievable!” So, my mom took my breath away, what she did next was horrible! She said, “Don’t start with that anxiety crap,” or something. Like… excuse me? First of all, I never even mentioned to her that I have anxiety (maybe my therapist did, idk), and second of all, she totally wrote off a mental illness as crap? Are you serious? That really infuriated me. And like, if she even thought to mention anxiety, she knows that it’s a real thing! Because if I truly disregarded mental illness I would have been like, “Don’t be nervous, it’ll be okay!” But no, she identified anxiety and brushed it off. Like… are you serious, lol. And I wouldn’t even say that I suffer from anxiety? I just overthink things. Actually, maybe I do have anxiety but it’s gotten a lot better. My social anxiety was horrible back then.

Okay, that paragraph is ridiculously big, lol. Sorry, I got really carried away. Anyway, mmm yass, #determine your destiny. I could make this into a completely different blog post, but let me just say this. Take advantage of those days when you feel like you can. Some days you feel like you can’t, and that’s fine. But when you feel like you can? Take advantage of that happiness; don’t let anything take it from you. Thank you so much for reading!

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