Volunteering ft. Lil Anxiety Rant

Today, I volunteered at my old school! I’m required by some program that I’m in to volunteer for at least 30 hours and they’re due by April 1st, so I decided to just get them over with today. Hopefully I have enough hours.

In the summer, the program had connections with another program so we had summer jobs. And I believe that I was there for about two weeks. And we were there for three or four hours, four days a week. And wow, doesn’t that sound great? With minimum wage, it should have been—hold on, let me try to work this out, lol. So minimum wage is $7.25. And let’s say that I was there for four hours, four days a week. So, $7.25 times 4 (for the hours) is $29. And times another 4 (for the days) is $116. Wait, seriously? Oh my goodness, that’s not a livable wage. But anyway, so I thought that I would have around $116 in my pocket. However, my program counted those as volunteer hours. Yes, I was pretty pissed off but thank goodness that I got most of my volunteer hours done.

So, I should have received around 32 volunteer hours? But I think I wasn’t there one day so maybe 28 hours. And I needed 30. And I usually volunteer at my old school, and their school day is pretty long so it’s draining, but I get my hours done. I was stressing myself out over if I actually calculated the hours that I needed correctly but I remember saying that all I needed was half of a school day to complete my volunteer hours so I’m slightly more relaxed about it.

And yes, it was my old school, but I wasn’t exactly happy about going back. I just overthink and think the worst of a scenario. So I told myself that it’ll be fine and that maybe I’ll learn something new and take something out of this experience. And I did! I didn’t hate it, so that’s a plus.

I mainly organized libraries, delivered some laptops, and helped a couple of students with their stories. And perhaps the most perplexing task was me trying to explain to a student that you can’t die from dyslexia. That was… a conversation I never expected to have but hmmm moving on.

And it was either too hot or too cold. Not a fan. And I was so hungry that I felt woozy and kind of sick. So my dad let me get picked up at 2, which was great because the school day ended at 4. I don’t think I would have lasted those two hours. And yes, I packed a lunch, but I maybe would have felt awkward eating it so I just pushed through.

I also discovered that I really like helping people with their writing. I was just so happy but next time I wish that I had more time to help them, lol, and that I could express my thoughts better. And maybe I should have spent more time helping students who were actually serious but you know. That’s just the way the time was set up.

I’m actually so glad that I went and I’m proud of myself for trying to be positive about it. I really controlled my own destiny earlier today. I could have loathed coming and shut down, or I could have come into the situation with open arms, like I did today.

Also, there’s one thing that actually made me mad, lol. So, we arrived at like 7:40, but the school started over 20 minutes ago but there was a LOT of kids outside and ummmm, I was freaking out, lol. I looked at the situation in horror and I was like, “Ohhhh nahhhh.” But, I had no choice because after dropping me off, my mom was going straight to work. Even so, I asked her to stay for just a minute longer—I wasn’t mentally prepared for these kids to be outside. I had to walk through them and I was freaking out. And, lol, do you know those clickbait articles? “Man steals lady’s purse, what she does next is unbelievable!” So, my mom took my breath away, what she did next was horrible! She said, “Don’t start with that anxiety crap,” or something. Like… excuse me? First of all, I never even mentioned to her that I have anxiety (maybe my therapist did, idk), and second of all, she totally wrote off a mental illness as crap? Are you serious? That really infuriated me. And like, if she even thought to mention anxiety, she knows that it’s a real thing! Because if I truly disregarded mental illness I would have been like, “Don’t be nervous, it’ll be okay!” But no, she identified anxiety and brushed it off. Like… are you serious, lol. And I wouldn’t even say that I suffer from anxiety? I just overthink things. Actually, maybe I do have anxiety but it’s gotten a lot better. My social anxiety was horrible back then.

Okay, that paragraph is ridiculously big, lol. Sorry, I got really carried away. Anyway, mmm yass, #determine your destiny. I could make this into a completely different blog post, but let me just say this. Take advantage of those days when you feel like you can. Some days you feel like you can’t, and that’s fine. But when you feel like you can? Take advantage of that happiness; don’t let anything take it from you. Thank you so much for reading!

Should I Take a Gap Year?

I bet you guys thought that I forgot about my blog, huh? Well, I haven’t. I actually think about if I should sit down and write a blog post quite a lot. And now I’m particularly pressed about a certain issue and it was too big to push off to the side. I’m going to stop making excuses and get straight to it.

I kind of want to take a gap year. I feel like I won’t be prepared for college and I have no idea what I want to do or what I’m truly interested in. And for the little interests I have, I’m not sure how well they would help me in the corporate world.

Excuse the awkward transition, but this reason deserves a paragraph of its own. Perhaps the biggest reason why I want to take a gap year is I don’t want to pay thousands of dollars to “find what I want to do in life” in college. I could find what I want to do in the actual real world. I’ll be honest with you; the degree that I have in mind is pretty useless. I plan on majoring in English and mostly because I’m horrible at everything else. I’m bad at math, bad at science, can’t draw, can’t dance, can’t act, can’t sing. I have no talent and if I did, maybe it would be in writing. I’m known at school for my spoken word pieces but I think that anybody could write good spoken word. And I used to be really good at writing essays, but I haven’t gotten any practice at all during school (I don’t have to write a lot of essays and honestly, it’s quite saddening). And also, I’m much better at writing than I am at reading so the reading aspect of the degree is going to be a struggle. I’m a very slow reader and I lose interest quite quickly. If you have to read 200 pages by the next class then that class isn’t for me. And I have quite a bad memory but I actually want to retain information so I’d spend even longer reading a passage, trying to fully understand it. So the path to earning an English degree would be a struggle.

And of course, you always have your pros and cons. The pro of not going into debt for something that you don’t even know would be worth it outweighs most cons to me. There’s the “everybody in your class will be ahead of you; you’ll be stuck with younger peers” con. Honestly, yes, that sounds bad, but would I want to go into debt for that? No. And there’s the “once you get a taste of money, you won’t want to go back to school” possible con. And honestly, it’s sensible. But I know myself and I think that I’d definitely go to college at some point (most likely the next year) to get a degree. In this world, you don’t really need a degree, but I feel as though it’d help me personally. For what? I’m not entirely sure. And there’s the arguments about “What if they don’t let you defer?” and applying again and I guess all that technical stuff. My main concern is that if I take a gap year, I hope that nothing would require me to be in touch with my old high school again. I would just like to move forward from there.

There’s actually not a lot of information on gap years on the internet. Even on YouTube, there’s scarce accounts of somebody’s gap year. And what’s surprising about that is the few people who took gap years are mostly English or British! And there’s gap year programs but they’re all pretty much ridiculously expensive. I even saw one for $19,000. Honestly, just go to college, lol.

And honestly, I don’t really want to “travel the world.” I’m not interested in going backpacking in the mountains of some other country. I just want to find what I like and how to make it into a job. Or even finding out what I don’t like could be a lot. I want to be showered with valuable life lessons and see what the real world is like. Maybe I need to take a gap year to see that I don’t need to take a gap year.

And I’m scared of not getting a job straight out of college. Aren’t we all? And as soon as I graduate, that’s when I have to start paying back the loans, I’m pretty sure. And if it’s sooner… Oh my goodness. Being in debt… That’s not a world that I want to walk into.

Maybe I could blog full-time and try to make money off of it. If I truly want to do that, I guess that I should be working hard right now at it. And something that I really want to do is start a YouTube channel. Many of my friends have actually told me that I should and that I’d be great at it. The excuses keeping me back from it right now are: no camera, no editing program, no idea what to film, lighting/set-up. Maybe I could earn money to at least buy a camera and editing program and take it from there. I have a Windows laptop so it doesn’t come pre-installed. I’ve even been thinking about YouTube video ideas lately. Maybe I could do skits by myself? I was thinking about just writing some lines. I wrote a play so why can’t I write a YouTube video? I need to stop holding myself back. Maybe I could set my eyes on an editing program and look up videos on how to use it. Maybe I could prepare myself now! I just need to hold myself accountable.

What I also want to do is clear out my room. I’ve been into watching minimalism videos and I am anything but. They’ve helped me to throw out/donate a lot of my clothes but not nearly enough. If I were to go to college and stay at home then it would be very hard to study in my room. I need a huge makeover.

I’m just thinking about a lot and kind of stressing myself out. What do you guys think? Have you taken a gap year? Would you? Anything? Thank you for reading!

Why I Hate Ladybugs

When I was a little kid, I thought ladybugs were cute and harmless. If you ever showed a kid a ladybug, they would gasp and ask to keep it. If you showed me a ladybug, I would have a look of horror on my face.

My school has a serious ladybug infestation. I have never heard of a “ladybug infestation” before coming here. Who would ever think in a million years that there could be too much ladybugs in the world? Well, as of 2017, I want them all gone. I can’t even open my windows unless I want to see families of ladybugs crawling about and their dead bodies litter the ledge underneath. They crawl along the ceiling of my room and tango with the overhead light. And my overheard light is sort of like a bowl attached to the ceiling to every time I turn the light on, I can see the dead ladybug bodies on the bottom of it. They just crawl about as if they own the place and it drives me insane.

The bathroom on my floor is disgusting; they ladybugs are on the sink, on the stall doors, scattered all across the lights and partying on the blinds. Every time I look up, there’s a ladybug just bopping along like they have somewhere to go. And the scariest part is those insane ladybugs who just fly around for no reason, scaring you. And I am terrified of the ones who trash against the overhead lamp. I can’t even be on my phone at night; I have to go under the covers because some ladybug would attack me for the light.

They’re disgusting for being insects and especially because their underside is sickening. What’s horrible is when they crawl across the mirror in the bathroom when I’m brushing my teeth or washing my hands and I can see not only their fronts, but their backs.

Not to be dramatic or anything, but I’m honestly traumatized by ladybugs. Seeing them stresses me out and honestly just disgusts me. I can’t wait until I graduate and go home because I can’t bear to see these ladybugs anymore. My worst nightmare would be to bring one of them home and—I can’t even begin to imagine this. And my brother goes to my school so he BETTER NOT. When I move out, I need to shake everything that I own and make sure no remnants of those creatures remain with me. And if I ever see a ladybug outside of this school, I’m going to freak out and go the other way.

I’m not going to attach any pictures because they gross me out. I don’t understand how pictures of bugs don’t gross every single person ever out. Something I hate the most is when you spontaneously look up a bug and they show you pictures. Like… please… just don’t. I could happily live the rest of my life without ever seeing a picture of an insect again.

The only infestation that I would be down for is a cat infestation. Does Mr. Whiskers and Mr. Fluffles want to come inside for a cup of Meow Mix? Then they can come right in. My family used to actually care for an entire family of stray cats until they disappeared. I actually really miss them; I grew up with those cats. But anyway, I’d replace ladybugs with cats anyday.

They make my skin crawl, they sometimes find their way onto my stuff and they just won’t die. My favorite thing is kicking them down the drain so that I never have to see them again. And if you “irritate” them, they smell and leave yellow streaks. Anyway, they’re not paying tuition so they don’t belong here.

I hate ladybugs and I wish every single one of them drops dead. Thank you for reading.

240p Inspirational Post

March 4, 2017

 

Hey guys! I’m writing another little nightly post. Not exactly sure what it’s going to be about but we’ll see. It’s 11:23 now and once again, I want to try to write something before it hits 12.

Do any of you guys wear contacts? My contacts always get blurry and especially towards the end of the day. Even in the middle of the day, it was kind of blurry, which is kind of weird. I think my optometrist said something like my eyes weren’t able to breathe? I guess the contacts stop the oxygen flow or something? I’m not entirely sure; don’t call the National Optometrist Association on me. And don’t start it so that you can call them on me because I have no idea if they actually exist, lol.

This isn’t the most high quality blog post, but we’re going to make it work because that’d just how life goes. And you never know what’s going to happen. Literally everything you do changes your life in some way. You walking down a certain street and not the other could totally change your future. Maybe I could think of the world’s most amazing idea while writing this, who knows. Always keep your options open and expose yourself to everything that you can.

I always think about how I’m not really living life. I’m not really doing anything fun or interesting ever. Something I always tell myself is, “Live so the dead would be jealous.” This may or may not sound acceptable, I’m not sure. But like, life is a gift and a journey that you should live to the fullest. And when you’re dead… you can’t live. You have to take advantage of what you have right now in this moment, and that’s something that I haven’t been doing. If any dead person came back to life right now, honestly, they’d get #LIT. Once you think about it, there’s literally nothing to lose. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or others, then just do it. Haha, I love to give advice that I should be taking myself.

But, anyway, just do it! And I’m trying to tell myself to do that too. I’d rather regret doing something than not doing it. Hey, would you look at that. I started this blog post not knowing what the heck I was going to be talking about.

And seriously, everything happens for a reason. Maybe you’ll read this low quality inspirational post and take a step towards doing what you want. And I’d be honored if that was actually my purpose right now and I helped you to meet yours. This is your reminder to live, guys. You only get to do it for so long.

Thank you for reading!

Lil Update

March 3, 2017

 

Hey guys! I just wanted to write a post before it hits 12:00 so that I can say that I made a post on the 2nd.

I don’t really feel inspired to write now so I’ll just… yeah! I’m just having a lot of anxiety right now and it’s hard for me to think positively. It’s just the usual anxiety; me thinking that a loser and irrelevant. I’m definitely irrelevant though, I’ve been told that. So that’s not a surprise.

But a good thing that happened today was my school performed the play that I wrote! They chose 8 student-written played to perform and mine was among them! The director did an AMAZING job and the play was much better. I’m glad that I took that “Writing For Performance” class; I never would have thought about writing a play otherwise.

Anyway, I have some homework to do. I’ll talk to you guys later. Thank you for reading!

March 2: A Ramble

March 2, 2017

 

I already posted two times today but they were something that I had written in advance. I want to take some time to write a fresh blog post. But I’m not too sure what to write about…

I just wanted to say that hopefully I can keep up with blogging and that it continues to be something that I can enjoy. In my free time, I like to think about what kinds of posts that I could make. I think I should go with the flow instead of strictly blogging one thing. I’m not much of an expert in any one topic so that would be fitting.

Something about me is I really appreciate the Korean culture and Korean pop culture. I listen to KPOP and watch Korean dramas. I was thinking about maybe doing song reviews or Korean drama reviews. However, I’m quite lazy and it takes me months to finish a series out of that same laziness. But if it’s for the sake of the blog, I’d just have to step it up. I’m not making any promises though; I’m on a whole ‘nother level of lazy.

And since we’re talking about KPOP, I would like to mention that I am an EXO-L, and the world’s biggest Wu Yifan/Kris Wu enthusiast. I love him so much and he deserves another post, honestly. And I’m helplessly in love with Park Chanyeol. Not something that I’m too proud of, haha, but he’s pretty great, and that’s the only time you’ll hear me say that!

This was just a lighthearted blog post and I’m ready to go to bed. I also have to wake up early to wash my hair. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it but we’ll see. Thank you so much for reading!

An Original Poem

Hey guys! So, I love to write poems when inspiration hits, but I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a poet. Here’s one of my shortest pieces (I usually do spoken word and slam poetry poems).

Destined
By Maya (me!)

The world was thrown at her
Because she could lift it off her shoulders

There was no challenge
That she couldn’t win

Because anything that she went through
She was meant to pull through

If she could not
It would not have been given to her

 

 

Lecture Notes on “Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome” by Dr. Joy

Hey guys! So, I just finished watching this lecture by Dr. Joy DeGruy called “Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome” and I just wanted to share with you the notes that I took. I started taking notes after like 30 minutes or so. I just wanted to try some new things, so maybe sharing my notes with you could be a regular thing, who knows! I hope that you take something out of this and that I have relayed the message to you correctly and clearly. Also, you definitely should check out Dr. Joy DeGruy’s lecture. It’s very eye-opening. Also, warning: very sensitive and heavy topics on racial issues.

 

James Marion Sims

  • Thought slave women could bear great pain because their race made them more durable
    • Well-suited for painful medical experimentation
  • Father of modern gynecology
  • Worked on unaestheticized slaves
  • Stuck shoemaker’s awl into the skulls of living black infants to “realign their skulls based on the indecency and intellectual flaws of their parents”
    • 100% death rate
    • His reasoning:“they weren’t humans; they can’t feel pain”

The Casual Killing Act in Virginia 1705: if a slave owner killed a slave while “Correcting” them, they’ll be acquitted of all punishment like it never happened

  • White women were beating black children to death

Physician Samuel A Cartwright argued that there were two particular forms of mental illness caused by nerve disorders among slaves

  • Drapetomania: the uncontrollable urge to escape from slavery

Lynchings happened after slavery in fear of what blacks could do

In 1898 nearly three quarters of Alabama’s total revenue came from convict leasing

  • Arrested blacks and gave them 12 years for vagrancy (wandering; having no job or place to live), loitering, startling a white women, looking menacingly at a white women
    • 25% died under convict lease
      • The reasoning was “they’re convicts; they deserve it”

In a picture from Hurricane Katrina, blacks “looted” and whites were “gathering supplies”

A police officer overheard other officers refer to the deaths of blacks or prostitutes as misdemeanor murders. Officers referred to black deaths as NHI or No Human Involved in casual conversation. Cops refer to blacks on the radio as, “Just a 11-13 n—-.” 11-13 = code for injured animal

White racism affecting black people: affects things like employment, housing, education

Black racism affecting white people: …

Racism implies you have prejudice and the power to do something with that prejudice

  • A black person could hate a white person but they still could get a loan
  • White person could hate a black person and could change where that black person lives

White cops are afraid of black men. The bigger and darker the man, the greater the fear

Blacks are more likely to be put on death row. Of the 3,700 people on death row (I’m not sure the year), 43% were African-American. Cases with African-Americans aren’t given the same scrutiny.

 

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KYug__74TA&app=desktop

These are just my notes and I’m not a professional notetaker or anything. Thank you for reading!

No Friends and Socially Awkward

March 1, 2017

 

It’s easier to write a blog post about having difficulty making friends than actually making friends so I’m going to take full advantage of that.

I won’t get into it too much but I used to struggle with social anxiety, but for the most part, I’m recovered, for lack of a better term. Or at least, my social anxiety isn’t as intense. I’m still an introvert but if I ever had to talk to somebody that I’m not used to, I don’t cry anymore. It took lots of hard work to put myself in those uncomfortable situations but here I am.

Now, the thing that I haven’t solved yet is social awkwardness. I’m sure I looked at my social anxiety the same way, but I’m not sure if I could ever overcome this. As a socially awkward person, I could recite all of the ways you’re supposed to make friends. I’ve looked up countless articles on how to do so yet still remain friendless and socially awkward. But I can’t blame the tips on not working; I know that I have to put myself out there and make the effort to make friends. And I do put myself out there much more than usual, which is something that I’m proud of. However, when I get there is the problem: I don’t know what to say.

I wonder if my social awkwardness would go away if I just knew what to say. Is social awkwardness just not knowing what to say? If you know what to say and when to say it, I can’t imagine anything being socially awkward about it. In a group, my silence could be hidden, but it’s painful when it’s one-on-one. And quite saddening. But am I wrong to be sad, comparing myself to those who conversation comes naturally? Once I think about it, my social anxiety has kept me back from progressing socially in so many ways. Is this natural? And whenever my mood is down, I’m prone to shutting everybody and everything off so that has definitely played a role in it.

It’s hard for me to form words and thoughts. I guess this could be attributed to me not challenging myself. However, I’m getting better every day at expressing myself. When I know what I want to say, I’m not quite so sure how to say it. I take more time thinking about what to say than actually saying it. Maybe I just need to let it out? But I like developing my thoughts before saying what I’m thinking. Maybe if I thought less, things could be much smoother? And I feel like no matter what I say, it’s not quite exactly what I wanted to say. In fact, everything I wrote here isn’t what I really wanted to say.

What I really wanted to say was it’s disheartening seeing people having fun with their friends and joking around and knowing that you can’t be the same way. What I really wanted to say was I think that the people who consider me their friends are just using me for the stuff that I have, which isn’t even much. What I really wanted to say was I wish people wouldn’t knock on my door to ask for something of mine, but to just talk to me. What I really wanted to say was I wanted to have somebody to sit with at lunch who I wouldn’t have awkward silences with and if it did get quiet, we enjoyed it. Maybe I just need to be patient and wait for the right friend? Maybe it’s unattainable? Too cliché? I’m not sure…

Let me know if you guys feel the same way. Thank you for reading.

Creative Content, Fame, and Kris Wu

The key to a successful blog or social media account is to constantly post creative content. Creative content is desired but something, anything, should be sufficient. If I could post frequently, that would produce the most results.

Something that I struggle with is doing anything constantly. It’s hard for me to sit down and focus on one thing and to do it constantly. My actions are just as free as my thoughts. I’m also a bad texter; I’m always late with replies or I simply never respond. I’m not particularly busy or anything but I just somehow don’t usually get to them. And sometimes I reply very fast or slow enough to the point where I should have just not even opened the message. And I do not pick favorites for replies; I’m late for everybody. It’s something that I need to work on and something that has affected me in a negative way. I value most things people say to me but I need to do a better job showing that even by opening their message faster.

Isn’t it everybody’s dream to be famous for something? Or at least well-known? Even the smaller scale things like somebody knowing that you’d be good for this one task or thinking of you when they saw something is heart-warming. When people SnapChat me pictures of Hello Kitty, knowing my love for her, I’m honored. And whenever people see KPOP or EXO or SHINee or Kris Wu (Wu Yifan), they think of me. And I think it’d be great to be the face of a cause.

I used to be a sort-of popular Kris Wu stan on Tumblr. I wrote funny posts about him, most of them roasts. And I was constantly on Tumblr, making a lot of posts and reblogging a lot. Now that I think of it, I dedicated most if not all of my freetime to that. Getting over a thousand followers is hard work. And I was probably at some of my lower points while blogging. Being on Tumblr, however, gave me the little spark of joy I needed to get through. Or maybe it was more harmful; I’m not sure. Either way, I had a little taste of fame and although exhausting, it was exhilarating and fun. People wanted to know who you were and wanted to interact with you. And one of the best parts was people appreciating your content. Even when a post didn’t get a lot of notes or reactions, people still wanted to tell me how funny they thought I was. It really brought me up in my darkest of times. Actually, I don’t think it was harmful at all. If I didn’t have my Tumblr, I’m not so sure what I might have had.

I wish that I still had the passion to update my Tumblr regularly but I’m not as into it anymore. And I saw this post that said something like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube fame means something but Tumblr fame means nothing. And that is pretty much true. If your Facebook posts go viral, you could be contacted by companies. With Instagram, you could get sponsorships and Instagram may pay you themselves. YouTube is self-explanatory; there are many different opportunities. But Tumblr? I can’t think of anything. Maybe there’s sponsorships but I’m not sure.

I kind of want to start a YouTube channel. I think that I could be a great YouTuber. And in fact, many people have told me that I’d be a great YouTuber. I regret not trying Vine out. You never know what could happen. My phone’s camera is bad and I don’t have an actual camera and no editing program (and a Windows device); are these just excuses? They might be. I need to figure out a way to work past this. It’d be great to buy an expensive camera and editing program and be like, “I’ll make up for it with the money that I make from YouTube” but is that realistic? I guess I need to start with the materials that I have now but the first thing that I need to do is get a job.

I think I’ll end the blog here, thank you for reading!